What to do While Absorbing Radiation with Your Crotch

From the Wittenburg Door

Crucial Government Terrorism Advice: While Absorbing Radiation With Your Crotch, Think About Your New Tattoo

04/03/2008
By Jamie Crossan

The Department of Homeland Security has a new website, www.ready.gov, with all the latest official signs to be used in case of a terrorist attack. As a public service, The Wittenburg Door is publishing the signs along with a translation of what each sign is instructing us to do.

Here are some of my favs:

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Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

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If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

 

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If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

 

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If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

 

 

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Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

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If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

 

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We always thought there was something wrong with Texans.

 

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Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

 

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After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.